Personal note - mental health

Last year, one of my intentions was to write more blogs. As you might’ve seen, I didn’t manage to do so. I’ve been struggling with depression for a while, and last year I couldn’t find the energy to put much effort into writing. Some health-related ‘surprised’ in the family didn’t help with that, either.

Depression has been a part of me for a long time, and at times is more prevalent. It mostly seemed to be tied to the winter periods, but has slowly grown bigger over the years.

In 2018 I ended up in a burn-out situation. During my recovery, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Syndrome (ASS). I got some therapy to help me understand what that meant for me. Depression played a role then as well. Since therapy started at the start of spring, and as my rhythm was different because of staying home, it was manageable and ‘in the background’.

In the second half of 2019 I slowly started to reintegrate at work again, which took me another year, and switching to a different team, before I was back. Not fully, though. I cut my hours back from 40 to 32 a week. During reintegration I experienced that working more hours a week got me into a vicious circle of self-neglect, self-destruction, and depression.

I was able to manage things for a bit, but in the last 2 to 3 years, I became more aware of my unwanted pet, the black dog. I also started to be affected by some other mental issues, for which I sought advice. I was tested for ADHD, for which the diagnosis was negative. I then asked referral to a psychologist. That was November 2023. Last week I (finally) had my intake appointment, and things have been set in motion. And it’s going quite fast.

I’m saying yes to whatever they can offer me, to, at the very least, determine if it works for me, or not. As a result, I’ll be putting a lot of time and effort in working on recovering. This entails (re-)learning about ASS, analysing my life to see where I can make better choices to get my energy back in balance, and in that way also be less affected by depression.

It’s not all black, in my life. I do get energy from being outdoors and being a volunteer assistant for bushcraft courses, as well as from a big, challenging and fun project I’m assigned to. I just hope that that energy will be something that can supercharge my battery, instead of it being the straw that keeps my head above water.

So this year will be a year for me to put more focus on my mental health. I still have to renew some of my certifications, as well as work, though ;-)

After I had my intake appointment, part of the lyrics of a Dutch song came to mind:

Ik ga lopen tot de zon komt
Tot de zon me achterhaalt
Lopen tot de zon komt
Tot ‘ie straalt…

A rough translation:

I’ll walk until the sun comes up
Until the sun catches up with me
Walk until the sun comes
Until it shines

The song is about a different topic, but these (last) lines of the lyrics reflect what I hope my journey for this period in my life will be: moving out of the dark, towards the light, to be able to bask in the sun again.